the return

i just made it home from belfast.

im not going to make it to london this time. next time.

i can't write it all out now. here is some of the beginning,

i flew into belfast from amsterdam on the 23rd, and when i got in Aine and Lee were waiting at the airport and Aine and I did that thing were people are the airport start screaming and hugging and jumping in circles. It felt so good.

Aine had already been drinking, so i did too in the car on the drive back. it was my first time in an british car (that wasn't a taxi.) i should have asked if theyd let me drive. i couldn't believe how much i missed her accent. and then to be in a whole house, in a whole village full of it! i met her family, who were so beautiful and SOOO FUNNY, and generous.

i saw all of downpatrick and belfast, and did ecstasy and listened to music and celebrated christmas and ate to much and did so many other things. i took pictures during some of them.

alphabet of hate

reference previous post.
EARLY FALL 2004

hate is like
A, ants, besides biting people, they make you feel fat and lazy. runner up: animaniacs
B, bruised beyond repair fruit, when you want a fuckin banana badly.
C, cocaine, gives me the creeps. seeing people with little white powder crumbs glued by snot to their nostril fur is gross. runner up: christmas freaks, car crashes
D, dead animal roadkill. pigeons are the worst, really any bird that gets hit by a car is the saddest thing of all. Runner up: dandruff.
E, emily, the whole entire western world is named emily. maybe i will move to Nepal or Japan where emily will be an exotic delicacy among names. in the mean time, I've started spelling it different ways: emmalea, emilie, etc. runner up: everRest, why? Its my tag when I flirted with being a (shitty) wall artist.
F, fat people, forgive me, because i know this is an obvious choice. Runner up: forgiveness, why? because it doesn’t exist.
G, guilt, wy does every nationality claim to have their own kind? catholics, jews, asians, its all the same. runner up: goiders
H, Henry Rollins, is some stupid, militant dickhead who is on VH1. that’s punk. runner up: holy cows
I, iguana owners, i dont know if i have ever met any before, but its weird. is this the way that retards think about gay people? runner up: independence high school
J, jeweled navels on sluts. runner up: jerry as in ‘tom and jerry’. i hate that mouse.
K, kitchen cuts spiked with lemon. runner up: killing roaches, killing cramps
L, losing against losers. runner up: lobster hands
M, mediocre babies, that sucks. they havnt even had the chance to do anything yet. runner up: mossy teeth.
N, “nigger toes”, I heard this for the first time a few weeks ago. Apparently it’s another word for brazil nuts. runner up: nazi popes, i afriKan should have won.
O, old-looking young people. this makes me angry for some reason. runner up: oily hands
P, public embarrassment: pant peeing/erections, tripping, farting, boogers, body odor, mispronunciations, mismatched socks, messy hair, broken fingernails. these things should all stop by the time you are 14. (NOT- i actually like this.) runner up: puke
Q, quick massages, its almost better to have never had anything in the first place. runner up: when my mom calls things ‘queer’
R, raisins, fuck nature's candy. runner up: robot voices
S, sour cream & onion, i especially dislike pringles. runners up: soul patches, sour cream & onion, sour milk-milkshakes, stealing/stealers from people; from big companies its ok
T, too much make-up, accents, time, stuffed animals... runner up: tetanus shots
U, unreturned phone calls, the worst way to be dumped in the history of forever. it happened to me once, and now, i feel tarnished or something. i still want my stuff back, you asshole. runner up: U2. i hate bono, especially when i see him being interviewed in documentaries or on the news. their music sucks too.
V, vacuuming when you are trying to watch tv, i hated this shit when i was a kid. You’d try to turn the volume up really loud to overpower the cacophony but it never works. runner up: vd. VD is a really good phrase that shouldn’t have gone out of style.
W, waiting a really long time for food at a restaurant. runner up: windowless rooms
X, x-mas freaks/ department store obsessives. i cheated with this. runner up: the ‘X-treme’ jello i got for getting my wisdom teeth out.
Y, the yearling. and almost all required reading books for that matter, especially jane austen. slaughterhouse-5, catch-22, and bury my heart at wounded knee were good. runner up: ‘year of the rat’- what a bad chinese zodiac sign to be. wouldn’t you prefer a dragon?
Z, zoinks. im done.

a little different

EARLY FALL 2004

love is like
A, artichokes, quarted, marinated, imported from Spain. runner up: alien heads
B, body heat, images of being cold and then seeing a lovely, glowing anyone who unzips a oversized sweatshirt and lets me in and zips it back all the way up. I want to be consumed, to feel heat from all sides. runner up: babysnakes, babycakes, babydays
C, cat stevens, made amazing music years ago. runner up: candle wax finger tips, cel-rey soda
D, dancing, is difficult to do in your car, and ideally makes your head luminescent. runner up: diary
E, elephants, future tattoo worthy? runner up: embers
F, fingernails, keep them short and sweet. they are wonderful, so don’t fuck them up. don’t grow only one out really long, cause that’s what homeless people do so they can scrape the street lice out of their ears. If your fingernails are long because you play guitar or sitar some shit, it really isn’t any excuse. runner up: funky dibetics, dime bags full of funk, some funky saxophonists
G, gangsta rap: tupac, there is something admirable about the kids who think tupac is still alive. It’s almost romantic. I’d like to think that Tupac is just chillin somewhere in Jamaica too. runner up: jerseys (vintage hawks)
H, HBO, specifically, Six Feet Under. The greatest show ever. I watch it when I’m depressed, only, I think it makes it worse. runner up: helium
I, Ignatius J. Reilly, from "A Confederacy of Dunces" by John Kennedy Toole. At 31, Toole committed suicide in Biloxi, Ms by running a hose from the exhaust pipe of his car to the inside and then locking himself in. After his death, his mother published his work. He became popular and famous. runner up: inner-tubing down rivers
J, joy ride, (midnights and mornings). runner up: jerusalem, in a poetic sense
K, kites, buoys in the sky supported by a thin, tiny, almost invisible string. runner up: kindergarten handholders
L, leaving differently then you came, {self-explanatory}. Runner up: Latin. Too bad the language is dead. talk to the pope, except he’s a Nazi.
M, mmhmm, the soft, breathy, subtle something people make trying to fall asleep or when they feel too good to talk. runner up: musical psychology
N, noisy nights, cars skids, locus, drunk kids, static, X runner up: 'never say never'
O, October, the best month of the year. The sky gets grey in a nice kind of way and Halloween is prime. runner up: oval faces, owl hoots in cartoons
P, pyromania, is a hobby, not a psychological disorder. paper, cotton balls soaked in nail polish remover, boxes of jello, pens, markers, crayons, dried flowers. runners up: phil elvrum and Panic, for a nanosec like you forgot something, but really you have it with you
Q, "quiet, my parents are asleep", and then trying to walk on clouds to the basement. runner up: quid
R, replies. Sometimes, I write letters to people I admire. So far the list includes Kimya Dawson (Moldy Peaches), Adrock (Beastie Boys), and this writer lady named Lesley Arfin (Vice). When they write back, its like a spark, it makes you feel hot for a second, like you could burn. If you wrote me a letter, maybe wouldn’t write back to you. Maybe I would. runner up: Rushmore music, rained on windows
S, saying 'no' when you really mean 'yes'. this kills. runner up: sweet breath, say no more
T, tissue paper t-shirts, i had this idea a while ago. It’s a cool idea for the summer time. And our culture is becoming more and more disposable. The only hang up I foresaw was for people that smoke cigarettes. or whatever else. Runner up: tea.
U, unlocked car doors, this is my big s e c r e t… I never lock my car doors. Not because im so particularly trusting. Im mostly just lazy, nothing has been stolen, yet. I love not having to unlock anything when I want to leave somewhere in a hurry. I leave my windows open a lot too. So my cars been rained in lots, but once there was a squirrel who came inside to visit me. runner up: undo-ness becoming done
V, voting, for anything, because i should. runner up: vases made in sculpture class
W, wrong answers, by others. runner up: waterfalls
X, x-pletives. runner up: x-zine
Y, yellow eyes, like wolves not jaundice. runner up: year in review lists (olddd ones from the 70's)
Z, Zappa and captain beefheart. runner up: zach with an H- not zac(s)



then i found this at the end of the same file:

sometimes I feel so in love. with everything. filled so much that I feel my clothes tighter against myself. (dated: OCTOBER 2005)


in reevaluating this i noticed that i can only think of things i love when i try to think of things i hate. i can only think of things i hate when i try to think of the things i love.

stumbles series begins

tonight, i write coverletters for internships.

about about to go to belfast to see aine and her family. london is still questionable.



in digging up writing samples i found some things-- old poetry i wrote.
no angry venting, just poems. some of them are just words. i dont even remember most of the context.

ive decided to put it in separte posts because it is easier to read that way, and i like to use a lot of spaces so it gets really long.

places i have applied for internships already:
soundcheck (npr)
the village voice
some photo studio in greenpoint
l magazine

there are a lot more to go on the odds of getting one: mental floss, national geographic adventure, brooklyn rail, east village radio, nerve, this apprenticeship with some pbs documentary woman...

STUMBLES IX

FALL 2006

an amnesiac staring at dandelions moves to amsterdam,
pleased
and tossed across the sea
the hunger pains point their boney fingers
because winter hates all men
if only men were something else instead - polar bears

we cant spend that long inside a (train)car
thinking of the times we were high

got some for me?
GODDAMN


the air has so much in it

this seals
mental iceboxes

butthair and eskimo kisses
this way
brush up on them, like svelte abby tabbies

drugs of heartbreak

children with laryngitis shout helllooooooo into caverns’


oh-la-la-LA
button hard
black dark

yellow brick houses
and deep breaths dont help nothing at all
i only remember being really annoying
and remember


who are all these people, things, with their lights lit up
on
staring into glowing cubes

i take you off and take you out
lights off lights out

learning how to take pictures of lightening




i keep on looking up at this broken clock like it is supposed to mean something

pulling a string in one ear and out the other

stumbles VIII

"The white on water as a wave breaks, blown by wind. A woman lying n her couch with wet hair, holding the hand of a man she will never see again." -Einstein's Dreams

COLD SPRING 2007
am I destined to never have sex in a car again?

stumbles VII

JULY 2007


overflowing glasses

so
I have had 3 jobs
none of which were what I wanted
ive quit three

fired?

one ticket for not wearing a seatbelt which isn’t any of their business
one ticket for speeding 80 mph on the highway

I crashed my car

still not in college. I believe the only I place I applied has lost my application
why would I not get in?

i try to sleep all day but it does not work

no more Michael?

stumbles VI

MAYBE MARCH 2007

things I would like to know:
is it safe to use Neosporin as lip balm?

to feel like a american orphan adopted by Chinese parents


I am young and out for glory
Deb Scott is alive


mid-cartwheel,

something exploded or shook lose inside my head
I don’t like seeing all of these colors and shapes, shadows and lines I should not see
maybe I do, and its just that I wish there was someone,
worse.

stumbles V

JANUARY 2007?

thought about some things.
somethings, little nothings, wrapped in white and alphabet light

everyone in this city is a moth cause of all the tube shaped flourescent lights


the human gait,
something about asian women wearing fur-lined boots , it must be difficult to walk through the snow

i want to write haikus
thousands
daily
time

5
7
5

stumbles III

MARCH 2007

sweet fried plantains
driving in the dark
sunshine

stumbles II

SUMMER 2007


I'll be your girlfriend. i will sleep with you at night. and if i wake up first, kiss you while you sleep. i will wash your back in the shower. (your undercarraige)
i will scratch your head during boring parts of movies.

the sun is out

(hermit)
ive been reading some ee cummings

sinterklaas! everywhere


Finals right now. its all pass/fail. i just have to finish
internet politics= 5000w on mydeathspace.com.
urban anthropology= colonialism 750w. intro; 3000. final; 3000.
dutch culture= final paper, 3000, and presentation.

i have about a week and a half

but im going to ireland to spend christmas with my friend aine and her family. and then hopefully off to london to see some friends there over new years. i have to be back in amsterdam by the 2nd and i fly to atlanta on the 4th.


i got an apartment for the spring in bushwick. here is a picture:


im making something special. ill add it later.

dusted pictures

pictures to go along with the last posting
+/- some explanations


high school


sr. prom. i was somewhere on this bus.


parsons greg


my mom found this lovely photograph in the mailbox. just like the crustaceans sent in the night.

what is crea?

I am 20 now. Not 16.

i am studying abroad in amsterdam. my parents, brother and grandmother have been visiting me here for the past few days. it's thanksgiving in america.


last night, i was compelled to read a certain girl's livejournal from high school. i read the entries from her senior year. we were not good friends or anyone special to one another. i was briefly mentioned in the diary, and so were two of my best friends at the time. they both loved me then and i am still not completely sure why.

it's a wonder that i even still talk to anyone from that time. the ones i do, never really knew what was going on.
but i still love bjork and i always will.

standard german

german rambles loudly through the walls.

what is obsession? why do some people become fascinated or obsessed with any other?

----

it could just be this exact moment. but i want

(im listning to ween right now)

when we are together ,i want really get (on)you, i want to really dig you. and only based on that i want to fuck you. on the down. you know, the (heavy) breathing. what other music should be playing?

it dont matter.

drunk

my life is going on well.

im going to try and get some developed today. maybe right now. a run to the art supply shop anyways. i wish i didnt have to change clothes. the air smells so good. there is sea air, a little smoke and fire, and it hurts going down, just a little. nose hairs stiffen and my pipes freeze dry a bit.




im also starting a list of topics to later investigate:

1) couch surfing catastrophes. (murders, killings, things etc)
2) american car culture. people living in their cars, high schoolers and their best car memories, etc.
3) what is so attractive about mccully culkin?
4) what happens to things that get stuck under your skin, literally. like if you stab yourself with a pencil, and the lead breaks off and gets stuck underneath. or splinters that grow over, and literally become a part of your body makeup. is this unhealthy? im asking cause i think i had some broken glass in my boot yesterday, and i coudnt find anything to take out.


i think i caught athlete's foot this summer when i was in israel. i want to go back there. i think i liked it enough to need to go back. the country- not the athlete's foot

me and lonesome 6 hour atlanta-florida roadtrips to see my grandmother and annie and aligators.

i am going to write a book.

im not sure what., maybe a book of lists

i make lots of lists

the first thing i am going to do is make a book of lists, like poems, and maybe illustrate it. but is that copying the pillowbook? i guess i dont mind that.

here is stuff from

February 07

smoking pieces of cloves, ............ saying what you want, sometimes, .......... carmex, clear coats of lacquer, blankets, comix, releasing, rainy incense, free pot, saving money but never having any, the army supply store jackets, shitty snow crunch, miso soup, being tired of being alone at night, not answering your telephone, not answering my telephone. old spice deodorant, lacking freshness, blinks, turn the volume down, later loudly as it goes, lying flat, back cracks, thick scarves, growing longer fingers, q-tip swabbing, gray wool sweaters, sloppy hair, top lid liner, keds, ink and stamps, water soluble, librarian, typist, fast, black and white movies, lots

statistics with guillaume,

wouldn't you like me to illustrate the months for you. maybe i will...
but would it be wrong to go back in time and make some up- i mean, i have some diaries, but they are so mishmashed and incomplete...

i had given up

ive decided to resume.

i never stopped writing. but i was writing less, and not as organized. i also noticed i lost some of my best shit to bullshit conversations.
i also told people secrets that they did not chose to hear. everyone who reads makes a choice to do so, but no one can help listening, and sometimes we all talk too much.

yesterday, i returned to amsterdam from a stint in spain and morocco.

again

i am moving to amsterdam
with much anxiety, but mostly about the weather
but today seems like a good one to walk around in the rain

be better about mailing letters. spend the rest of the day writing letters, and attempting to purge my computer of other (unnecessary) forms of communicado
how does someone go about becoming more invisible?

certainly not like this